No apartment, no classes, no baby (physically anyway), why am I here again?

I've been back in Texas for nearly two weeks and have been left with a load of regret and wonder... why am I here again? I mean honestly, I have around 8 classes to take for school to have a BA I will not be able to use for jobs at all, my dollface is across the pond being eaten by ferocious mosquitos and boredom, and I have no place to leave in Denton, where I need to be for classes and my job that starts on the 25th. Moreover, my parents, and quite frankly the whole of my family, are being the biggest "wankers" in the universe. At this rate, life has gone pretty downhill in a very short span of time.

I'm slowly moving back into my typical mode of pessimism and ceaseless complaints. Luckily, this time, I have someone who doesn't mind listening to/dealing with it.

Now, I'm drowning these things with bottles of Stella so that the gravity of my predicament doesn't bring me too far down as I await, what I assume, will be a resounding "not approved" for the one bedroom apartment I've been eyeing since the beginning of July-- a result not created from bad credit, or poor rental experience, no, no, it will be because of not enough rental experience and no guarantors with good credit. My god, how ridiculous. At worst, I'll be moving into my old apartment complex in September 1st and have to stay in a motel for a week. Ugh... excessive, but I might not have a choice. I guess this is one of those moments when I wish I had good friends.

Ok, back to the my Stella.

Sad, sad Texas.

Yes, I'm back State side and am filled with honest regret for not finding some way to stay in France longer. Being here is like being shrunken after having grown so much. I came back, though, with an extra 600 euros that I didn't know I'd have (my flight was overbooked and I volunteered to stay another night in Frankfurt for 600 euros and a free hotel + meals and transportation). It's unfortunate that I couldn't have had that layover in Paris, instead of horrible, horrible Frankfurt.

As for me and K, we've talked/emailed/texted each other everyday since I left. It's been hard being away from him considering how much time we spent together (we were literally living together, sleeping in the same room, eating together, etc). He's planning to visit at the end of September or the beginning of October. I plan to visit him in Spain (if he gets this job) or Ireland/UK in March or maybe January for my spring break. Afterwards I'll be back for the long haul in Europe as of late May, early June. That is, of course, if all goes well with applying for my master's at Paris I/Paris IV. We'll see, I suppose. It's just too boring here to stay beyond what I'm required to do to graduate.

K: "Je t'ai fait mal parce que je t'aime et je ne sais pas quoi faire"

The title says it all.

This is going to be the most amazing, confusing, difficult relationship; but nothing good is easy in the end...and I like challenges.

A dinner on a balcony and Regina demain?

Today me, K, and my brother are going over to K's uncle's for dinner and beers. Hopefully it will go off without a hitch. Hopefully.

Lately my brother has not been as annoying as usual, mainly because I just leave him to his devices which mainly consist of sitting on my computer, playing video games, sleeping or watching movies. I've given up on showing him Paris as he isn't interested in seeing anything at all-- if he can't be bothered to look up stuff that might interest him in Paris or to even feign interest in the stuff I show him, I can't be bothered to go out in the heat to show him anything either.

In other news, I'm currently searching for employment on campus for next semester, as well as housing. I happily discovered that my scholarship went in already, so that's great. My next line of business will be to start studying for either the DALF C1 or the TCF (probably the TCF as it's cheaper than the former and I can take it in Houston). We'll see, I must remember to buy a TCF practice book before I leave.

Well, I'm off to play the new harmonica a bit-- I really love this thing!

Oh brother...

My brother arrived in Paris to visit me Monday and, let's just say, I'm wondering why I insisted that he'd come. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and we generally get along, but apparently I've grown up so much that his overly judgmental, sensitive, and borderline narcissistic behavior is unbearable. He meets people and spends nearly all the conversation talking about himself and when the conversation isn't on himself it somehow gravitates back to something regarding him. I mentioned to him that K just finished his book and not once did he ask what the book was about, K got confirmation from a journal that one of his academic papers will be published in it and my brother doesn't even care to ask what it was about, what journal, when the publication would be, or even to give a congratulation. Instead, he starts in on one of his long, boring tangents about this, that, and the other.

I think the worst of the whole thing is that he acts like he is such a know it all. We go into Paris and one of the music stores he wanted to go to is closing for lunch. For the whole day he's walking ahead of me as if he knows where he is going, then randomly he gets extremely upset and decides that he's going to have a bitch fit all day and actually run off into a crowd of people right in front of the Galeries de Lafayette where, after walking back and forth three times, I left him to come home to my cell phone having had 14 missed calls. When he returns, he goes on and on about how he realized he could have taken an easier route, but that he just decided to follow my directions. Er....right. It's so frustrating. Moreover, I'm broke because I had to spend money I did not have to take him around Paris which he finds to be "OK," while he waited to get paid Thursday. Did he pay me any of the 200 + euros that I've spent on food, tickets, etc.? No. What's more is that he goes on and on about wanting to meet cool English speakers, particularly girls (whom, while walking in Paris, instead of marveling at the architecture and scenery, he focuses on) and so I, at least, take him to the pub that me and K and the others frequent. Not only does he get piss drunk (or so I hope that "show" was a result of alcohol) in front of everyone, but he's so bad to the point that we all, after walking through the rain to try to catch the bus, end of paying for a taxi. The next morning there's no apology, just him ignoring me and sleeping all day, refusing to eat until later when I make him something to eat, he decides he wants the stuff I bought for myself, eats that and throws the food I made away.

I honestly feel like I'm dealing with a child. He wants to do everything by himself, but is so immature that as soon as you give him free reign to go go go he comes crying back to you because someone hurt his feeling. It's ridiculous, so ridiculous that I'd rather he leave Sunday instead of staying another week. It's excruciating having him here. It's honestly embarrassing to have someone who, whenever I tell him about me and K running doing funny, harmless drunk stuff, his response is "I don't get why you guys are always getting drunk, it's so pathetic because I never get drunk or hangovers." How pretentious is that? I'm kind of regretful that instead of me and K having more random, romantic walks in Paris, or movie nights, or funny pubs nights hanging out with the few cool cats around, I'm stuck dealing with my ungrateful brother that I begged to come here (it's a little selfish, but I'd much rather spend my time with K than with him... I feel horrible saying it, but after the recent events I can't help it).

Oh well, oh well, oh well.

Dreadful!

The semester has ended (well, not until tomorrow --actually thursday but I've no need to go after tomorrow- and to get my test back ), I've got a month and a half left, me and the boy have gotten closer and closer, even after a world wind thursday night that had me briefly afraid we were through-- it only made us closer to each other and completely destroyed any feelings of uncertainty that were creeping up in my head. Saturday, after two days of him apologizing profusely and me telling him to forget about it, we went over to his uncle's place and he cooked us a nice dinner and we chatted about random things, it was really nice and oddly enough I felt at home. We actually got on the subject of what it would be like if he met my dad, what my brother his like--it's so weird! I feel sick when think that I wasted four months not with him, and even worse when I think that after we've shared so much with each other about our lives that we're just suppose to break up and move on. What are we to do?

On a lighter note, my brother will be coming to Paris next Monday. His ticket was extremely expensive, but at least he's finally coming and he'll get to meet K and all. Unfortunately my brother is leaving right before K's sisters come to visit. I'm really excited about it. I never thought that I'd be excited to meet someone's family but it's nice. I'm happy that he'll get to meet my brother though. It's going to be a nice final month, although undeniably surrounded by a invisible field of sadness and regret, it will be nice.

Fever, fever, fever

It's a day from being exactly a month from the last time I posted and so much as happened.  Lately I've been asked why exactly it is that I've never gone out with anyone in the US, never kissed anyone.. nothing.  My response always starts off with "well, it's not that I haven't been asked out, I just wasn't interested enough." I'm picky, it's true; I admit it. So what, right? 

So when the silly business with the French guy from the club occurred my senses were flabbergasted -- completely annihilated by the opening of this new, bizarre chapter in my life, as well as the alcohol that interrupted my rationality.  (Un)Fortunately whatever part of me that says "no" to everyone gave me that uneasy feeling that it wouldn't work out, so I ignored him until he moved on.  I say "whatever" part of me because, quite frankly, I have no idea what it is that makes me instantly recoil from people, feel uncomfortable even though I might perhaps be interested.  The only conclusion I can come to is from Vicky Cristina Barcelona, "I know what I don't want but I have no idea what I do want." 

Well, I've just gotten an amazing taste of it, and all the waiting and confusion and loneliness I've experienced where I've needed and longed for someone to talk to makes sense and was well worth it, well worth him.  How it is funny though that he is not what I superficially and subconsciously came here looking for: not French, doesn't speak French, nothing at all about him is French.  By contrast, everything about him is what I want, like, think about, dream about, imagined in my head but concluded wasn't likely.  None of the micky mouse bullshit I'm so use to dealing with: "Does he like me? Should I call him? How should I act?" -- none.  This is the most instantly satisfying relationship I've ever had with anyone that lacks the "it's too good to be true" aspect because there are already obvious parts of this that make it dreadful and sad that will come later and very soon, but still worth it. 

So, instead of a Frenchie who I have to struggle to understand and talk to, I have my super sweet, sexy, funny, Irish writer who I still have to struggle to understand, but who seems to have been ripped from any fantasy I've ever had of what I want in someone, although they've been so vague and uncertain. 

So I can officially say I've found "love" in Paris, although I wouldn't use that word quite yet, you get the idea.