37 countdown...

In the art gallery, watching the new Simpsons episodes-- effectively procrastinating when it comes to all the papers and projects I have to do. I'm presenting in a conference Friday with someone who I haven't even talked to about how we're setting things up... at this point I don't even think she knows what she's talking about... it's so annoying, but oh well.

On a lighter note, only a little more than a month before IRELAND! K! FUN and freedom from this blasted semester. I'm nearly done with grad. apps too, thank goodness. So, after this semester it's smooth sailing and waiting for the results of my applications.

so yeah... boring boring boring.

...of perception

I'm so extremely bored with everything-- but I've been painting! And I've finally come to the side of The Doors and A Clockwork Orange, as well as an onslaught of 70s punk bands (New York Dolls, MC5, The Clash, The Stooges). I love them. Can't get enough of them. Such great music always inspires me to paint. Although I was drunk, I'm very happy with what I did on my newest painting Monday night/Tuesday morning...I successfully broke past that "oh, I don't know what I'm doing... what I expected, how to work with it"-phase and just let the painting "be." I always get good results when I just do the work without trying to "correct" things. I think listening to the music and being under the bottle caused me to think less of keeping with a stylistic theme and focusing more on my original concept, the idea of personal space merging into the space of another, the blending of forms/bodies... and the infinitesimal void left in between; and, stylistically, how color can create that void. I found myself extremely interested in color and emptiness, so it's nice to focus on that instead of whether or not the painting is "pretty." It still is, but not in the typical way my paintings have been aesthetically pleasing.

I spent the last two days doing absolutely nothing, or at least half-going to class/doing work. Today I ditched all of the classes (mainly because they are all exceptionally boring) and hung out at home because I am still recovering from a stella-induced hang over from Monday night drinking and a cold. Now that they're all gone and my classes are through for the week, I'm treating myself to movie watching and music listening.

I will (hopefully) be buying my ticket to Dublin tomorrow, which is sooo exciting-- three weeks of K, booze, italian "fat chips" and seeing the Irish city and countryside. Apparently we'll be heading over to Galway to see one of his friends and his wife (who happens to be American). Should be fun. I'm dying to be reunited with my dollface, life seems so halved without him.

I'm working in the gallery and there an, I'm guessing, art history class in here. I don't think I should be here anymore, honestly, my opinion is becoming to extremely critical of everything art criticism-related. I can't take it... it's all to contrite and pompous-- know i know why so many artists can't stand art historians.

I talked to one of professors about her writing me a letter of rec. and by god was it the most vigor-sapping experience. I can understand her suggestions, but I don't understand the need to 1) email programs/faculty if i have nothing to ask about... and i'm doing a taught masters, where research is limited 2) what's wrong with going to the uk instead of the us for grad school? It costs way more here!

I was completely disillusioned after talking to her. K keeps telling me to do a MFA in Painting or something instead of a MA in Art History/Market. I just don't see why I'd do a studio degree when I really want to focus on doing the artwork myself without feeling obligated to do it. Slade's at UCL has an interesting MFA program though, that focuses on forging critical theory along with one's work-- something I think would be useful to me.

I might look over Central St. Martin's again... and Slade as well. Never hurts to try right? Especially if I can get a portfolio together.

New, "aware," art historians - rant

I'm sitting in the art gallery and being forced to listen to a bunch of very, very...erm, "smart" modern art students discuss jazz music and a film that deals with it. It's slightly infuriating the way they're dealing with Jazz, it's content, and their misconceptions of it's history and connotations.

First inaccuracy: I think it's fairly accepted that blues and jazz, although very close and they did borrow from one another, they did not emerge from one another. Essentially they were forming at the same time. It's pretty accurate to say that jazz evolved from ragtime in the 19th century, at the same time an early stage of blues was developing.

Second inaccuracy/slightly racially charged assertion: Apparently one song that arose in the film they viewed was, from what I gather, "Jelly Roll Blues." The only thing this wonderful group of scholars could gather was that the song had sexual connotations because of the name.. although evidently, unless it was provided by them, none of them were aware of the fact that the song was composed by one Jelly Roll Morton. The song is completely instrumental, so it's hard to understand how it became something similar to "Milkshake" by Kelis, that apparently "white people wouldn't have understood" as sexually charged. One person states that he learned in his jazz survey that "jelly roll" was a euphemism for the male genitalia, which it may well have been in some cases, but I can't see how one can make that distinction for three reasons: 1) the song was named after Morton, as many early blues and jazz songs were, ex. "Memphis Slim U.S.A" by Memphis Slim 2) The song is instrumental 3) I can't see why Morton would take on a name that essentially means, according to them, "Penis" Morton.

The way I've always understood the phrase "jelly roll" in blues and jazz is in reference to movement, a song that can make your "jelly roll" from dancing.

I think this kind of annoyed me mainly because it made a direct correlation to rap music and modern African American music that is usually sexually charged. Although they are subgenres of jazz and blues, it's important to make the distinction that they subject matter is not always connected. Moreover, there was a tone of devaluation in the way they spoke of the song and jazz in general, simply because of the content. The fact that "white people wouldn't understand" is saying quite a bit, as if to say if they had the music wouldn't at all be important.

This is the second thing today that's really made me wonder about people's analytical skills. The first had to do with a very long, drawn out and repetitive discussion about subjectivity and the art of Valie Export, particularly "Tap and Touch Cinema." Most people were saying that her piece objectifies her as a woman although objectification really does imply making someone or something into an object and lording over it. It's about ownership, when a woman is objectified it implies that she can be owned, used, and discarded. In no way does Valie Export's piece give anyone the power to objectify her. In my view, the piece actually forces the participants to face the reality of her existence, acknowledge her as an individual. The fact that her breasts are not visible but can be touched removes their importance from her identity: yes, she is a woman, yes she has breasts, do they define her beyond this physiological sense? No. I think that's the resounding message in the piece. Body parts are not the whole of a person. They are indeed just parts. Society puts too much emphasis on them and that is why the men who participated were "scarred," because they felt they were violating "her." What Valie Export is saying, however, is that you can't objectify an object. It's the reverse of artists only showing breasts, ass, or a vagina to represent women. "Tap and Touch Cinema" is saying "Go ahead, touch them. I don't care because I am an individual, those do not define although you've been programmed to think they do."

I think all of this is coming out of pure frustration with classes and the way people are approaching discussions about art and music. Basically I feel like I've spent 6 hours of listening to verbal diarrhea. Everyone is so obnoxious. Everyone is so pretentious. I don't understand how some of these self-proclaimed "feminists" are thinking critically about art and feminist art, while at the same time taking a very commercialized and mainstream view of what feminism is: "oh, she's allowing them to see/touch her so she's just perpetuating the stereotype." I thought the general basis of feminism was to reject gender roles put in place by men? Didn't men decide that women shouldn't expose themselves publicly, or that their "parts" were sacred? In other words,

Oh bah... I'm tired of thinking about this. It's likely my thoughts are jumbled anyway and none of this makes sense... but oh well.

I have decided (ish) on what my last semester in hell Denton will be like class wise. Here it is:

Grad. Contemporary French Theory (SOOO excited about this one)
Topics in Roman Art History
Creative Writing: Poetry
Political science (bummer)

I contemplated taking it easy next semester with all boring classes.. but since I'm going to graduate school I decided I might as well take at least one or two classes in my area of study. Unfortunately there are no graduate level art history classes that tickle my fancy, but at least I get to take a French one, which sounds like loads of fun (and work).

Depending on whether I get the full 12 hours of credit from studying abroad last semester or just 6, I might drop one or two of these (like the Art history and creative writing ones) and take it easy anyway. :)

K left this morning and I am in sadness... it's so depressing having him here for two weeks and then having him leave, just to do the horrible two and half month wait again before we're back together.

The most annoying part of all of this is that he didn't actually fly out of Texas until about an hour ago, but because this shitstain of a place has a horrible public transportation system he had to leave extremely early to catch the bus to the airport. As a result, I'm extremely tired and frustrated... I hate this town more than before now, mainly because K took it upon himself to emphasize all the problems with it and then leave me to wallow in them...

Not fair. at. all.

Now I'm back to the intense monotony of school and work, graduate school applications. K is considering moving to Thailand or Morocco or South America or some other cheap place in the world that would allow him to write and live comfortably with the money he has, a fabulous idea aside from the fact that I want Europe, Europe, Europe! If only he hadn't already done his London adventure... or traveled all over the world... maybe he could do one in Scotland? One can write anywhere, right? I don't know, there's something marvelous and scary about the future being so ambiguous.

Quelqu'un m'apporte le déjeuner au travail

So, K has been here for a week so far and it's been fabulous. It's nice to have someone to go walking with, to have lunch with, to cook dinner with, to talk with-- so nice. So, it's been a week of total bliss where I've been able to get all my homework done a head of time and spend quality time with my main squeeze.

Luckily it wasn't bad when my parents met him, it was actually quite pleasant-- they even want to try to spend more time with him before he leaves. My dad, although he had his moments of being a pain and slightly rude, was on better behavior than usual, so I can't complain... not much anyway.

----

I've noticed something rather bizarre lately. Whenever my mother brings up me and K's relationship it almost instantly goes to her relationship with my dad, giving up dreams for love... and other stuff that does not apply to us. It's bizarre and I often find myself getting confused and offended before I realize she's talking more about herself than any concern she has for me.

je brûle d'impatience de le voir!

It's K day! He arrived in about four hours and I'm so overly excited. It's funny, I'm relatively calm and then, in the middle of doing something and upon thinking of him actually being here, I have a burst of squealing and smiling uncontrollably.

My parents are about an hour from me at the moment; we all decided it would be easier if they just came up for the day to meet him; primarily because 1) I have no car to drive the five hours to their place 2) it's five hours away 3) i work the weekends and they live five hours away!

So, now they're on their way, bringing me a love seat they don't use, some of my books, and other things. My mom is stoked to meet K and I think my dad has-- er, hopefully -- abandoned his strategy of "interrogate, intimidate, interrogate!" He might actually attempt to be the nice human being he's capable of being, after all he did offer to pick K up from the airport. It's a good thing too because it's raining cats and dogs here, I couldn't imagine K, who has been struck with ailment after ailment recently, would be interested in exploring the city or my small university town on such a soggy day.

Anyway, I'm off to have another burst of glee and impatience!

Work, school, applications/forms!

This week was the official first week of my last year in undergrad and boy was it busy! Going to work at the gallery, filling out forms for the honor's college, printing and reading articles for class, and looking up graduate schools abroad-- all of that plus fitting a nicotine deprived K into my busy, busy schedule. I have managed, and managed well.

I'm still missing some things though.

For instance, I still need to have my professor's signature so I can begin working on this independent research paper (so I can have honors credit for class), drop off another form to the Honor's college to have my Senior seminar count as an Honor's capstone course -DONE-, start on my Statement of Purpose for college, email the apartment complex K's info since he'll be my guest for two weeks, and the list goes on.....

------
At the moment I'm sitting in the gallery reading Santeria Enthroned and hoping I'll get an email later saying I'm off work tomorrow-- which would mean a three days of freedom for me (no school on Monday because of labor day), which ultimately translates to more leisure and work time. Well, it mostly means that I just won't have to sit in this cold gallery for six hours.

Last night I made up a wonderful schedule to insure that I'm one class meeting ahead in all my courses, something that will make it easier for me to juggle everything as well as entertain K while his here instead of being bogged down with work. Actually, even this week, without being a head on readings and everything, I found it rather easy to make sure all the work I was expected to do was done-- it was not as stressful as I thought it would be. Next week, though, I'll be much more relaxed as I've already finished readings for two classes for the next two weeks, will finish papers for them as well, and have successfully established which graduate schools I'll apply to (starting the generic SOP for them tonight). I'm very proud of myself; I think K's meticulous nature has rubbed off on me!

So, these are the graduate programs I'm applying to, slightly in order of which I prefer (and I do mean slightly). I think this list is pretty set in stone, although whether I apply to Paris I/IV is dependent on whether or not I get the C1 level on the TCP/DALF:
-University of Edinburgh, School of Arts, Culture, and Environment "MSc Modern Art: History, Curating, Criticism"
-City University London's MA in Culture, Policy, Management (in Art)
-IESA's MA in the Art Market
-Paris I's M1 in Art Market/Business

On the fence with:
Birkbeck University

As you can see, my Paris choice has dropped below the others which allow me a new, international experience. Edinburgh sounds like a dream, I've never been there but everything about the program and about the city (that I've been told) is appealing-- medieval style architecture, beautiful landscape, program that focuses on modern art history as well as vocational experience... it's all so much of what I want. Plus, the fact that I've not been there and, therefore, will have a new experience abroad is extremely exciting. I'd love to go to this university. CUL and IESA are appealing as well because I'd spend the bulk of my studies, if not all of them, in London (ironic, since after I visited for a day I was insanely bored of it) and I'd have opportunities for internships. With Paris, the benefits are that it's insanely cheap, is entirely in Paris, and requires an internship. The benefit of all of these in comparison to NYU's Gallatin program (which was going to be the only US program I applied to)? Well, they're shorter and are $60, 000 + less, plus they put in the same city or close to K, although I'm sure he wouldn't mind finally conquering North American, one of the few places he hasn't lived in yet.

Anyway, according to him and what will seemingly be my 1st class honors degree when I graduate (as says University College London's page on degree equivalents), I'll "get all of them." I'm thinking so too, especially adding my research/conference experience, language proficency (-ish), and job experience (uni gallery work counts too, right?), I should have all of them in the bag. Plus, or so I've heard, UK unis taking American money-- and I'd be more than willing to give it, especially to Edinburgh.

Le voyage a Houston continue a prendre l'eau

There's one thing I can't stand in people and it is the tendency for people to lie and talk about others all in the spirit of feeding their own egos. The inimical nature of people is what I can't stand; it is an inherent, humanistic vice, everyone has it to some extent, which means, in turn, that I can't very well fault someone entirely for it. I can, however, fault people for not being aware of it and trying, at least trying, to subvert it.

After a good, long talk with my sister (whom I haven't talked to in ages), I'm extremely uncertain if K and I should go to Houston. After the falsities she said our very own parents said about me - thankfully only to her and her fiance, but still falsities - I'm not quite sure I'd be up for the ridiculousness, nor would I be up for sending K off with the aforementioned ridiculousness being one of the last things we did before his 11 hour flight home.

My sister: Oh! Let me tell you what your father said about you!
Me: uhmm, ok.
My sister, trying to stifle her laughter: apparently you're pregnant, paying for K's plane flight, and he only wants to be with you in order to get a green card.
me: oh... my... god...
My sister is, at this point, laughing hysterically and I am too... although the anger and frustration of it all is slowly building.
me: apparently I'm not good enough for someone to put in an honest effort to be with me...
my sister: you know very well how your parents are... there's no changing their minds with facts or figures, they conjure up their own ideas for everything. They are "always" right, at least in their minds.

No, I shall address all of these issues, one by one:
Pregnant? Where my dad got this idea is beyond me because I have not been sick, not gained weight, not given any signs of pregnancy... moreover, I had my period a day after arriving in the US!! As for paying for K's ticket, I shy away from lending my own family money, plus, and this is the supreme fact that obliterates this already tenuous argument, I'M BROKE AS HELL. I mean dirt broke, so broke I can't buy textbooks, so broke I can't buy groceries... hence why my mom is paying for my apartment (well, that's more so apart of the deal of being away for college and doing well blah blah). It's so funny because they honestly think that K is trying to get money out of me, when, in Paris and again, dirt broke, he offered to pay for us to go out, eat, drink, even for me to buy gifts for my ungrateful parents (which I never got around to buying, thank god). He has even offered to pay for my ticket to Ireland in December, which I will likely decline as I've two jobs and just hate the idea of him paying for everything.

Lastly, the green card business is... comical at best. Especially considering I'm the one more liable to see that as an advantage than him (i.e. I want to be an EU citizen and have no plans on staying in the US!). But, again again again and with more evidence that those statements were meant only to castigate without even a morsel of legitimacy, one must live in whatever country he or she desires to become a citizen of for three years and be married for more than a year. Um, although I'd love to imagine me and K going down the road of marriage one day, we've only been together for four months! Four.months. Not at all long enough to even think about marriage, we've only got things figured out up until December/May as it is! Speaking of which, my plan is to go to EUROPE in May, for an extended period of time, not the other way around. So where and why in the world did this concept come into my father's head?

My parents went on vacation last week to Florida where they met up with my sister and her fiance. There was alcohol involved, but unfortunately when my dad said these things he was sober, sober, sober. I can't figure it out at all. I'm just highly disappointed. I mean, since I've been back I've dealt with this whole thing in a mature fashion, dealt with my parents like adults instead of cowering for talking about me and K like my brother does when it comes to him and his girlfriend (who they should be worrying about instead of me).

I just feel like the whole thing will be so embarrassing, embarrassing because my parents can't seem to pull themselves together long enough to be normal, socially functional people or see when one of their children is trying very much to forge a good, honest, loving relationship with them, an opportunity they've already lost with two of my siblings. It's mainly embarrassing because I've seen/heard K talk to and about his parents who, although they too have their moments, at least give their children respect and room to breathe/live, etc. Why in the world can't mine? I know, I know, there was no critical damage done, but I guess I'm just agitated because I really thought I had a more trusting relationship than this with them and that being truthful would be the best route to show how much I've matured, but apparently not. I give up, I'll just be secretive and noncompliant like my other siblings are. Apparently that works much better than my method.

September seems all the sweeter now!

K and I finally got a chance to talk today, after not being able to chat this weekend due to slow internet, a trip to Rouen, and him wanting to spend time with his uncle who was rather torn up he was leaving Paris, all of this, plus the 3 + messages we sent each other back and forth-- what a busy last week in Paris he had!

So, today he made his exit back to Ireland and not at all without a horrid and costly bag rules mix up with one of those blasted charter airlines, a mix up that cost him 200+ euros and a great deal of agitation, understandably.

After hearing about this whole thing, I was honestly rather worried that he wouldn't be able to buy his ticket this week as planned, but, thankfully, although his wallet is a bit bruised, all is well in that department. What's more, he'll actually be coming a week early, at the end of September, instead of the beginning of October. This is honestly about the fourth time we've changed the dates he'd be coming : Originally, when the ld relationship topic was in its prelim. stages, I had suggested January... I'm very happy that plan was thrown out the book, because I doubt either of us would have been able to last that long (missing each other tremendously ALREADY). After we talked a bit more, I said the beginning of November, then K said September, then we settled on October, now we're offically settled on the end of September and he'll stay for 10 beautiful days (well, it won't be official until the ticket is bought, but it's pretty well in stone now). I'm so excited because September will definitely zoom by, what with school, work, and graduate school applications in my cards.

I so badly what the semester to start so K can be here, then school will be out, and then I'll be off to Ireland in December/January.

The funiest thing about this semester is that, aside from one or two classes at the maximum, this really is my last semester of undergraduate. So, if I can stay the course in regard to my 4.0 streak, I will be free free free! Well... of the US higher education system, anyway. :)

EDIT:

It's official, he's coming on the 17th and staying for two weeks! Je suis ravie!

Just a worry goose

Ok, so now the apartment and job stuff has been sorted-- all figured out by Friday. I guess I was worrying a bit too much. It's such a relief! I will be in Denton as of Monday and my darling will have bought his ticket Tuesday week (or, in American English, the next Tuesday or the Tuesday after this coming one).

Evidently I have other things to worry about in regard to that-- to fly into Houston or to Dallas. My parents are being unreasonable and unreasonable for no reason! We can't stay with them because they'd want us to have separate rooms (understandable), except there are no extra rooms in their house! That wouldn't be an option anyway, since there's no way I would put K through the horror of dealing with my father trying to get under his skin and then him having to sleep under the same roof with the man. So, I was opting for an hotel that me and K would stay in for a day while in Houston, then head down to Denton. Apparently, even THIS is unacceptable to them... although they do realize K will be spending the rest of his stay in my apartment, alone... so what's the big deal?

I think we've decided on him flying into Dallas and afterwards deciding whether or not to come to Houston. It's kind of sad considering he was adamant about meeting my parents before, now he just sees all of this as childish and has lost his zeal for the whole thing, especially with the inevitable, unpleasant encounter he'll have with my dad. I'm not very well sure I could bare seeing my dad be blatantly rude to K, for no reason whatsoever, and not say something to him about it. It's just frustrating that K's family has been extremely respectful and hospitable to me and mine won't even attempt to return that to him. He has even invited me to come to Ireland for Christmas because his whole family will be there and wants to meet me. I just don't get why mine can't be so open to people-- especially when the people are making their children so extremely happy. Now that is unacceptable.

This, however, is only a small worry. I've got a week to decide what we'll do. I might just get the hotel and let my parents deal with it as they like. Why can't we act like adults?

No apartment, no classes, no baby (physically anyway), why am I here again?

I've been back in Texas for nearly two weeks and have been left with a load of regret and wonder... why am I here again? I mean honestly, I have around 8 classes to take for school to have a BA I will not be able to use for jobs at all, my dollface is across the pond being eaten by ferocious mosquitos and boredom, and I have no place to leave in Denton, where I need to be for classes and my job that starts on the 25th. Moreover, my parents, and quite frankly the whole of my family, are being the biggest "wankers" in the universe. At this rate, life has gone pretty downhill in a very short span of time.

I'm slowly moving back into my typical mode of pessimism and ceaseless complaints. Luckily, this time, I have someone who doesn't mind listening to/dealing with it.

Now, I'm drowning these things with bottles of Stella so that the gravity of my predicament doesn't bring me too far down as I await, what I assume, will be a resounding "not approved" for the one bedroom apartment I've been eyeing since the beginning of July-- a result not created from bad credit, or poor rental experience, no, no, it will be because of not enough rental experience and no guarantors with good credit. My god, how ridiculous. At worst, I'll be moving into my old apartment complex in September 1st and have to stay in a motel for a week. Ugh... excessive, but I might not have a choice. I guess this is one of those moments when I wish I had good friends.

Ok, back to the my Stella.

Sad, sad Texas.

Yes, I'm back State side and am filled with honest regret for not finding some way to stay in France longer. Being here is like being shrunken after having grown so much. I came back, though, with an extra 600 euros that I didn't know I'd have (my flight was overbooked and I volunteered to stay another night in Frankfurt for 600 euros and a free hotel + meals and transportation). It's unfortunate that I couldn't have had that layover in Paris, instead of horrible, horrible Frankfurt.

As for me and K, we've talked/emailed/texted each other everyday since I left. It's been hard being away from him considering how much time we spent together (we were literally living together, sleeping in the same room, eating together, etc). He's planning to visit at the end of September or the beginning of October. I plan to visit him in Spain (if he gets this job) or Ireland/UK in March or maybe January for my spring break. Afterwards I'll be back for the long haul in Europe as of late May, early June. That is, of course, if all goes well with applying for my master's at Paris I/Paris IV. We'll see, I suppose. It's just too boring here to stay beyond what I'm required to do to graduate.

K: "Je t'ai fait mal parce que je t'aime et je ne sais pas quoi faire"

The title says it all.

This is going to be the most amazing, confusing, difficult relationship; but nothing good is easy in the end...and I like challenges.

A dinner on a balcony and Regina demain?

Today me, K, and my brother are going over to K's uncle's for dinner and beers. Hopefully it will go off without a hitch. Hopefully.

Lately my brother has not been as annoying as usual, mainly because I just leave him to his devices which mainly consist of sitting on my computer, playing video games, sleeping or watching movies. I've given up on showing him Paris as he isn't interested in seeing anything at all-- if he can't be bothered to look up stuff that might interest him in Paris or to even feign interest in the stuff I show him, I can't be bothered to go out in the heat to show him anything either.

In other news, I'm currently searching for employment on campus for next semester, as well as housing. I happily discovered that my scholarship went in already, so that's great. My next line of business will be to start studying for either the DALF C1 or the TCF (probably the TCF as it's cheaper than the former and I can take it in Houston). We'll see, I must remember to buy a TCF practice book before I leave.

Well, I'm off to play the new harmonica a bit-- I really love this thing!

Oh brother...

My brother arrived in Paris to visit me Monday and, let's just say, I'm wondering why I insisted that he'd come. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and we generally get along, but apparently I've grown up so much that his overly judgmental, sensitive, and borderline narcissistic behavior is unbearable. He meets people and spends nearly all the conversation talking about himself and when the conversation isn't on himself it somehow gravitates back to something regarding him. I mentioned to him that K just finished his book and not once did he ask what the book was about, K got confirmation from a journal that one of his academic papers will be published in it and my brother doesn't even care to ask what it was about, what journal, when the publication would be, or even to give a congratulation. Instead, he starts in on one of his long, boring tangents about this, that, and the other.

I think the worst of the whole thing is that he acts like he is such a know it all. We go into Paris and one of the music stores he wanted to go to is closing for lunch. For the whole day he's walking ahead of me as if he knows where he is going, then randomly he gets extremely upset and decides that he's going to have a bitch fit all day and actually run off into a crowd of people right in front of the Galeries de Lafayette where, after walking back and forth three times, I left him to come home to my cell phone having had 14 missed calls. When he returns, he goes on and on about how he realized he could have taken an easier route, but that he just decided to follow my directions. Er....right. It's so frustrating. Moreover, I'm broke because I had to spend money I did not have to take him around Paris which he finds to be "OK," while he waited to get paid Thursday. Did he pay me any of the 200 + euros that I've spent on food, tickets, etc.? No. What's more is that he goes on and on about wanting to meet cool English speakers, particularly girls (whom, while walking in Paris, instead of marveling at the architecture and scenery, he focuses on) and so I, at least, take him to the pub that me and K and the others frequent. Not only does he get piss drunk (or so I hope that "show" was a result of alcohol) in front of everyone, but he's so bad to the point that we all, after walking through the rain to try to catch the bus, end of paying for a taxi. The next morning there's no apology, just him ignoring me and sleeping all day, refusing to eat until later when I make him something to eat, he decides he wants the stuff I bought for myself, eats that and throws the food I made away.

I honestly feel like I'm dealing with a child. He wants to do everything by himself, but is so immature that as soon as you give him free reign to go go go he comes crying back to you because someone hurt his feeling. It's ridiculous, so ridiculous that I'd rather he leave Sunday instead of staying another week. It's excruciating having him here. It's honestly embarrassing to have someone who, whenever I tell him about me and K running doing funny, harmless drunk stuff, his response is "I don't get why you guys are always getting drunk, it's so pathetic because I never get drunk or hangovers." How pretentious is that? I'm kind of regretful that instead of me and K having more random, romantic walks in Paris, or movie nights, or funny pubs nights hanging out with the few cool cats around, I'm stuck dealing with my ungrateful brother that I begged to come here (it's a little selfish, but I'd much rather spend my time with K than with him... I feel horrible saying it, but after the recent events I can't help it).

Oh well, oh well, oh well.

Dreadful!

The semester has ended (well, not until tomorrow --actually thursday but I've no need to go after tomorrow- and to get my test back ), I've got a month and a half left, me and the boy have gotten closer and closer, even after a world wind thursday night that had me briefly afraid we were through-- it only made us closer to each other and completely destroyed any feelings of uncertainty that were creeping up in my head. Saturday, after two days of him apologizing profusely and me telling him to forget about it, we went over to his uncle's place and he cooked us a nice dinner and we chatted about random things, it was really nice and oddly enough I felt at home. We actually got on the subject of what it would be like if he met my dad, what my brother his like--it's so weird! I feel sick when think that I wasted four months not with him, and even worse when I think that after we've shared so much with each other about our lives that we're just suppose to break up and move on. What are we to do?

On a lighter note, my brother will be coming to Paris next Monday. His ticket was extremely expensive, but at least he's finally coming and he'll get to meet K and all. Unfortunately my brother is leaving right before K's sisters come to visit. I'm really excited about it. I never thought that I'd be excited to meet someone's family but it's nice. I'm happy that he'll get to meet my brother though. It's going to be a nice final month, although undeniably surrounded by a invisible field of sadness and regret, it will be nice.

Fever, fever, fever

It's a day from being exactly a month from the last time I posted and so much as happened.  Lately I've been asked why exactly it is that I've never gone out with anyone in the US, never kissed anyone.. nothing.  My response always starts off with "well, it's not that I haven't been asked out, I just wasn't interested enough." I'm picky, it's true; I admit it. So what, right? 

So when the silly business with the French guy from the club occurred my senses were flabbergasted -- completely annihilated by the opening of this new, bizarre chapter in my life, as well as the alcohol that interrupted my rationality.  (Un)Fortunately whatever part of me that says "no" to everyone gave me that uneasy feeling that it wouldn't work out, so I ignored him until he moved on.  I say "whatever" part of me because, quite frankly, I have no idea what it is that makes me instantly recoil from people, feel uncomfortable even though I might perhaps be interested.  The only conclusion I can come to is from Vicky Cristina Barcelona, "I know what I don't want but I have no idea what I do want." 

Well, I've just gotten an amazing taste of it, and all the waiting and confusion and loneliness I've experienced where I've needed and longed for someone to talk to makes sense and was well worth it, well worth him.  How it is funny though that he is not what I superficially and subconsciously came here looking for: not French, doesn't speak French, nothing at all about him is French.  By contrast, everything about him is what I want, like, think about, dream about, imagined in my head but concluded wasn't likely.  None of the micky mouse bullshit I'm so use to dealing with: "Does he like me? Should I call him? How should I act?" -- none.  This is the most instantly satisfying relationship I've ever had with anyone that lacks the "it's too good to be true" aspect because there are already obvious parts of this that make it dreadful and sad that will come later and very soon, but still worth it. 

So, instead of a Frenchie who I have to struggle to understand and talk to, I have my super sweet, sexy, funny, Irish writer who I still have to struggle to understand, but who seems to have been ripped from any fantasy I've ever had of what I want in someone, although they've been so vague and uncertain. 

So I can officially say I've found "love" in Paris, although I wouldn't use that word quite yet, you get the idea. 

(EN post) Too easy...

What a world wind of last week of break, honestly! 

Thursday night I finally hung out with the people in my foyer, who are mostly really cool cats.  It was nice because I met a lot of interesting people from all over (especially Germany).  That same night I had two guys tell me on two separate occasions that I look like Lauryn Hill ("mais plus jolie" LOL). I think she is gorgeous but I really don't see any resemblance, at all.  It's really weird, but nice too. I think the first time anyone told me that was in high school-- so it dates before my hair was natural... now I guess when I rock my fro' it's worse. haha

At the pub I met a really nice, intelligent guy who (of course) spoke English pretty well. He was really cool, so when he asked me for my number I obliged him although I knew instantly I wasn't that interested in him. I guess I'm trying to listen to the "date, go out, meet people" advise people spew whenever I mention kind of wanting a boyfriend. So, I figured I'd give him and shot and go with the flow. 

Saturday me and the girls did some drinking before heading out for a late night out (caught the last RER out and took the first one back).  The first club we went to didn't work out at all (extremely selective and a lot of the girls were underdressed) anyway.  So we went across the street (mind you, this is RIGHT next to the Louvre... so funny there are at least two clubs next to that museum), and went in.  It was super fun and I drank more than I should have (but not so much that I can't remember the embarrassing crap I did!).  Long story short I met a guy and we exchanged numbers and emails and I'm sure in our drunken stupor we would have exchanged other forms of communication if it were at all possible. We were so drunk we spent 5 minutes playing Texas Hold 'em on his fucking phone!  

Generally speaking, when you meet someone at a club you don't expect it to be substantial right? Or you expect to wake up later and feel like a complete idiot for making out with a not-so-attractive-guy-who's-unsavory-nature-was-concealed-by-flashing-strobe-lights-and-damn-good-cosmos (this is a real question because this is the first time I've ever done it-- feel free to answer)? I guess I might have gotten extremely lucky, as between the moments of drunken stupidity we actually had a decent conversation... with my horrible, horrible, drunken, "quoi" and "blah, blah eueee"-filled French and my forward/random questions, we actually manage to have a real conversation.  That and apparently I had five minutes of "manly" clarity that went along the lines of "how will I make sure he's not busted? EUREKA! Outside for a smoke in the bright ass lights will do it!" Mind you, I don't smoke... but it worked, at least I knew he was cute. 

So, when me and the girls returned home and after I slept half the day away, I did not expect him to call. Or to ask to see me. Or to have already added me on msn. Or to find out how freakishly similar we are.  I think the icing on the cake is that seeing him again, although awkward for my own embarrassment and the combination of our shyness, was really nice.  I spent the whole time being suspicious, constantly thinking that there's got to be something wrong wrong wrong with this (and effectively saying how out of character I was Saturday, in as many different ways as possible).  I'm always super suspicious of people who are interested in me, but for some reason I kind of believe him when he says he's normally quite shy but he likes me a lot blah blah mushy gooey mush.  How is it possible that we're both quasi-nerds, like the same movies, like the same music, literature, and poetry (to the point where he randomly recites a poem --not very well known I think-- that I fell in love with last year, I actually had it on the wall of my dorm room!)? Or have the same goofy sense of humor? I'm a little flabbergasted, confused, befuddled as to how this happened all of a sudden... and if it isn't too easy to be true. I mean, I've always thought that finding someone you like and who likes you too was a some kind of bionic leap of fate that only happens to "normal" or "lucky" people. 

I guess I'll find out soon enough, won't I? Until then I will wait in suspicion and awe, while continuing to ignore this other guy's calls (I kind of feel bad... )

Aujourd'hui je restes dans ma chambre et espérons que j'étudies pour le TEF examen en mai.  Les derniers jours étaient bizarre pour moi; j'étais si triste, mais au même temps j'étais si inspirée (j'ai écrit environ vingts pages de la poésie dans mon petit carnet dans un jours-- c'est beaucoup parce que avant j'avais eu de la difficulté à l'écrire). De même, plus qu'avant, j'ai une idée de la directions ou les thème que je veux exprimer dans mon art (la poésie et la peinture). 

C'est bon, oui? Sauf que je pense toujours aux choses qui m'ennerve.  Je suis indifférente à tout ce qui est en dehors de moi. 

Il fait beau aujourd'hui... mais pourquoi je suis dans ma chambre?! Aucune raison, sauf que j'ai besoin de reposer un peu après les trois contrôles que j'ai passé cette semaine.  

La conference aux états-unis s'est passée bien.  Je suis encore un peu fatiguée après le voyage, mais je suis ravie que je suis en vacance pour deux semaines à partir de vendredi! Je vais aller à Cologne pour un week-end à voir un ami et peut-être j'irai à Bruges ou à Strasbourg ou à Nancy (voir un autre ami...?). Je ne sais pas. Je voudrais quand même voyager en France plus qu'ailleurs en Europe.  je verrai. 

Je suis allée à l'atelier de conversation et c'est nul.  Maintenant je m'énerve par tout. J'essaie tellement de parler en français, d'apprendre la langage, être respectueux aux autres, blah blah. Mais chaque fois il y a quelqu'un ou quelque chose qui ne marche pas, ce que je fais s'ést égal des gens.   

j'en ai marre d'être si loin de ce que je veux. 

"Qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire... qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire. qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire. qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire.qu'est-ce que je peux faire? je sais pas quoi faire." 

-Marianne de Pierrot le fou

Ca fait longtemps j’ai écrit quelque chose ici. Beaucoup de choses se sont passe, mais je n’ai pas le temps d’écrire tout. :P Les plus importants choses sont que j’ai commence mes cours et pour les dernier trois semaines j’ai essaye de changer un cours pour un autre (le patrimoine de la France, parce que, contraire à ce qui m’a dit le professeur qui s’est fait m’inscrire dans le cours, il n’est pas un cours de l’histoire de l’art et les crédits ne seront pas transféré à mon université). Mais, à cause de n’est pas dans une programme d’échange, il me prend plus de temps de changer mon schedule que les autres américains. Maintenant, je peux changer dans un autre cours de l’histoire de l’art, mais je suis encore dans l’autre cours qui ne marche pas. Je vais essayer de le changer au français écrit lundi.

De toute façon, je suis à la galerie près de La Motte Piquette Grenelle métro dans le village suisse. Ce quartier est formidable, je l’aime beaucoup. Et la galerie est très belle. Il fait soleil aujourd’hui et c’est pas trop froid. Je pense que printemps vendra bientôt !
De plus, je me suis finalement inscrit dans Le Club internationales des Jeunes et j’espère aller aux conversations le mercredi. Ca, plus des trois heures des conversations que j’ai à la Catho lundi, mercredi, et vendredi matins, je pense que mon français améliorera bien.
Aussi, je vais faire les Nocturnes au Louvre à la fin de mars. Je suis ravie !

The past week was so bizarre. After my pubbing, meeting new people, and going to museums, I got an email from the art gallery was I to interview at last weekend (I sent an email about when and where and never got a reply) saying that they need someone to work Saturdays and I can shoot them another email sometime this week and come in to see the gallery, which happens to be right next to the hotel I stayed at when I was here last year. Pretty cool.

Then I get an email from my modern art history professor from last year inviting me to spruce up my abstract/paper in order to apply for Scholar's day, which is a symposium/conference thing held yearly at my university to honor and showcase undergraduate research. Now, when I slaved over this paper last year, had billions of references, spent 10 hours revising five or six times, I did all of that with the intention of being told "your paper was one of the top five (in this case, though, it would seem top three) and therefore I invite you to present it at the spring symposium."

Unfortunately, I hadn't really thought beyond that point. This a huge opportunity for me, because I do plan on applying to graduate school and this would do the following 1) It will automatically give me a writing sample to send with my graduate application 2) give me the opportunity to be published 3) give me a huge leg up on other applicants who haven't done any of this.

So I said yes, I would be interested in doing it. I just have to be on campus on April 2 to present my paper if it is accepted. I feel sort of weary in regard to this. Yes, I can definitely be there on the 2nd, but I will miss classes and only be able to be there for the ceremony and then I'll have to leave immediately (or at least the following morning). I really want to do this and I personally think that the cost of flying in (around $650) is trumped by the benefits of it, plus this could possibly allow me to get more fellowships and grants because I will have shown my dedication to research and the like. I don't know why I feel so uncertain about it though. I guess I'm wondering how big of a deal one symposium is to my future and if I'm making it a bigger deal than what is actually is.

What do you guys think? Go for it or no?

Aside from that, I register for classes Monday. Finally. I'm really excited to find out what I'll be taking and actually get start my classes. Although the past two weeks have got by very quickly, I'm more than ready to fill my time with studying instead of wondering endlessly what to do.

Il y a des chose à propos de la France que je savais avant arriver ici.  Par exemple, je savais que les marchés ne sont pas ouverte toute la journée.  Elles ne sont que ouverte quelques heures précises chaque jour et, je crois, elles ne sont pas ouverte dimanche. Je savais aussi que beaucoup d'endroits sont fermés dimanche aussi.  

Ça veut dire rien d'importance. 

De toute façon, j'ai passée tout mon week-end dans ma chambre regardant les films français (avec Mathieu Amalric, en particulaire :P )  simplement parce que je veux sauver mes monnaies pour aller à Paris demain ou le lendemain demain.  Ma carte de crédit ne marche pas dans les machines de billets, et je sais pas ou je peux les acheter d'une vrai personne(à Savigny-sur-orge).  Donc, je pense que demain j'irai acheter une passe navigo.  C'est très cher mais... je ne sais pas quoi d'autre je peux faire.  Bien que Savigny-sur-orge est beau, je vraiment deteste habiter à l'éxtérieur de Paris... mais, c'est la vie. 

Après arriver à Paris, je pense souvent à un ami que je rencontre la dernière fois que je suis ici.  On a passé un bon jour ensemble, probablement le meilleur jour de ma vie, malheureusement pour moi.  Ça me fait un peu triste parce que je lui aime beaucoup, mais... je sais pas ce qui se passer entre nous. Ben... encore, c'est la vie. 

Maintenant, je vous presente mon amour actuel du cinéma français: Mathieu Amalric.  Pour les gens qui aiment les films du James Bond, vous lui savez comme le méchant dans Quantum of Solace (un très bon film).  Pour les autres, je sais pas. :P  Ben alors, il est acteur talenteuaux (?), bien-connu pour ses rôles dans des films comme Muni

ch, Le scaphondre et le papillon (excellent), et La question humaine.  Moi, je trouve qu'il a les yeux très expressifs (quand je vois QoS pour la premiere fois avec mon frère, lui et moi avons pensé que ses yeux sont bizarre et ils le rend trop gentil et sympa pour être un méchant. xDDD). 

Alors, je pense que c'est tous. :) 

Alors, je suis à Paris ou, plus précisement, Savigny-sur-orge. Après vers deux heures dont j'ai éssayé de trouver la résidence (j'étais seulement à 200m) et en étant rappelé à comment stupids et impolis les lycéens sont (grace à des lycées qui sont près la résidence), j'ai traversé à et du Paris avec succès. 

C'est drole comment on ne peut qu'avoir le sentiment d'éxcitement quand à Paris. Ça veut dire, quand j'arrivais hier, j'étais pas très excitée comme le premier fois que j'étais ici. Peut- être c'était parce que j'étais fatiguée du voyage très longue, mais je pense que c'est parce que Savigny-sur-orge n'est pas le même comme Paris (pas dans une façon mauvaise, juste différent). J'ai dit ça aussi parce que dès que j'ai arrivé à Paris pour faire du shopping, j'étais excitée comme avant.  Je pense que je préfère la simplicité du metro à Paris, sans besoin d'utilise le RER (comment on le prononce? R-E-R or RER comme un mot?). Je suis heureuse quand je pense de Paris... mais, puis je doit pense qu'il faut d'acheter un billet pour le RER C, attendre pour le train, prendre le train pour 17mn, et puis on est à Paris- ugh.  C'est pas assez d'un désagrément qu'il elimine le sentiment d'étonnement de moi... c'est juste une petite contrariété qui disparaître avant arriver à Paris central.  :)

De toute façon, comme j'ai pensé, tout les gens ici (à la résidence) parlent en anglais. Cependant, au moment c'est pas une grande problème.  La semaine prochaine j'espère que je peux aller aux conversations FR-AN, AN-FR par le Club des jeunes (j'ai envoyé mon application aujourd'hui, donc je dois attendre payer le "membership fee")

Stuff I learned about France today/yesterday:

You weigh your own fruit!!!! (a little embarrassing to have to run all the over to the fruit section and back while others are waiting to check out)

They sale lays barbeque chips here :D

The French really care about their health (I found way more stuff geared towards health healthy eating here at, what I will call the French Foodarama, than in the States. 

Vocab:

la contrariété- annoyance

Ah, oooo, eeee, PARIS!

Dans cinq jours je serai à Paris. Je suis ravie.  

Une autre chose excitée est que j'ai trouvé une gallerie d'art qui a un stage disponsible à Paris. J'ai trouvé le profil du poste sur craigslist Paris (il y a beaucoup d'annonce de poste pour les galleries d'arts-là). Alors, j'ai un "interview" le 7 ou le 8.  Super cool. 

Aujourd'hui, je doit finir mon essai pour ma bourse d'art.  C'est le troisième fois que j'ai posé ma candidature pour celle- j'espère que je gagnerai une autre bourse pour la dernière année de mon diplôme. 

Un jour de l'histoire

Bien sûr, tout le monde connait qu'aujourd'hui était le jour qu'Obama a devenu le 44e président des Etats-Unis.  Je suis ravis.  C'est le premier fois que je pense qu'il y a une raison pour l'espérance, la détermination.  Il y a un resultat après toute la souffrance de plus que 40 années. Pour le premier fois, je pense que je peux vraiment obtenir mes rêves si je veux. 

Je suis heureuse avec le nombre d'américains qui supportent Obama maintenant.  Je pense que nous sommes vraiment une nation unie, pas divisé par les choses insignificants.  Je sais qu'il y a encore beaucoup de choses faire, mais je suis obtimiste pour le futur. 

Je partirai pour Paris le 3 fèvrier. 

Until then, I'm studying for the GRE and trying to figure out which schools I'm going to apply to.  So far, I'm set on applying to Paris I and IESA, who both have a business in art MA program. I still haven't decided where I'd go in the US other than Rutgers and NYU.